We need realism to deal with reality!

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I was recently going through some blog posts and I was amazed by a pattern that I could trace out in most of the posts! Each article that I read and the experiences shared by different authors were all so ‘idealistic’. I mean of course I have nothing against the concept of ‘idealism’ but how idealistic can one person be in real life?

Idealists, practically live in wonderland thinking that life is like a fairy tale. Well if that were the case then there would be no poverty, unemployment, wrong choices, heartbreaks but as we all know, that is not the case!

I usually prefer reality; it is all about portraying your real self and real emotions as regular folks—bored housewives struggling for some alone time, depressed teenagers, stressed working women longing for vacations, not-so-in –love couples trying hard to make the marriage work, poor spinsters, petty government officials & a successful entrepreneur struggling to meet work-life balance—living ordinary lives. Let’s face it: most of us don’t live crazy exciting lives, after all.

Realism is also not about trying to portray the real life characters as ideals, selfless, God fearing people always! As in real life it’s all a mix of selfishness, small fights, dilemmas, crises, hang-ups, love, hatred, dislikes, sadness, happiness but that is what makes ordinary life meaningful.

Thinking outside the box and writing what reader might consider ideal or perfect is NOT idealism! What remains important is knowing your limitations and being honest with yourself about what works within your story rather than trying to make yourself look serene and pure!

Strangers are fascinating. I always get curious about the lives of people I don’t know? We know that they’re like us, but we also know that they’re different from us.  What about that cute colleague in office, who never says a word to anyone? Does he have friends? What about that woman who left her husband? Why that guy ended up an alcoholic, or why that kid ran away from home?

Reading it is like peeping through a keyhole into the lives of others but as we all know nothing is perfect. In social media, all seems so wonderful – vacations, smiling faces, perfect relationships and also the best seller “quotes”. It makes me wonder, all those people who share such amazing quotes, do ever follow them in real life? Well, you know the answers!

Maybe this is where the fatigue is coming in. We always compete to prove ourselves right, perfect and ideal. Challenges arise and not all of them are resolved with a happy ending.  If I read about an author’s life or his beautifully drafted story, I would want to read something realistic not a ‘preaching’, though written exceptionally well, but has no meaning in real life as it is not heartfelt.

We need to get real. We need to understand. We need to feel.

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MY WORST DOWNFALL…! — Candles Online

“They say embarrassment has a lot to do with thinking too much, let it go. Nobody cares as much as we think they do!” 

For those who know me well, can completely relate if I say, I attract embarrassing situations like a magnet! Whether it’s tripping inside my own room or while climbing up the stairs in public or saying just the wrong words at the wrong time, or just talking out-loud, I’ve mastered the art of awkwardness. I […]

via MY WORST DOWNFALL…! — Candles Online

A Friend I knew once

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Globally more than 300 million people of all ages suffer from depression and at worst it can lead to suicide! (World Health Organization statistics)

“Another boring blog!” Some of you might already want to skip reading the rest of it; I might as well, until now.

Because until it affects someone we love, we don’t even know it’s there, it’s really not our problem, so why should we care?

It was May 7th, 2010, Akash’s 24th Birthday. My best friend, my confidant and one of the craziest, wackiest friends in the group we ever had. As the clock stroked 12, I picked up my phone and called to wish him.  I called him thrice to a dead tone, no one answered.  I slept thinking I might as well go to his place first thing in the morning and surprise him.

I woke up at 7 and switched my alarm off. My phone rang a couple of moments later. His name flashed on my mobile. I picked up and screamed “Happy Birthday”.

Momentarily silence and a stranger’s voice from the other end said “He is no more, he hanged himself!” The rest of the conversation is a blur, but it’s a morning that will never, ever leave me and that conversation replays in my mind over and over and over many times a week.

Isn’t it strange, how few short seconds can lead someone’s life in a whole new direction? One single incident in life can alter your own reflection; can change your entire perspective of life!

The horror of my friend’s passing hit me hard. The thought that all of those deep and meaningful conversations had now ended — that he had literally taken my secrets to his grave — shattered me.

As we tried to console ourselves, what bothered me was how a seemingly happy person like him can, do something drastic like that to his life. What could have made him do that?

Though no one could even picture the mental agony he must have gone through right before the moment he decided to take his own life, that suffocation, that mental block, that feeling of utter uselessness, that helpless feeling that he is all alone in the world, that cry of pain that no one, just no one could understand what he is going through.

I tried to picture his entire life now, trying to analyze could we have stopped him from doing that?

He lost his mother in a car accident a year back. He often used to tell us he was closest to her and her absence instills voids in him. His father was a busy man and he hardly get to see him.

Few months back, he failed to get admission in his dream college due to low scores and had to settle for another ‘low key’ college.

That did change him I guess; he stayed at home more, talked less, ate less, which he called ‘diet’. If he was with us, he would get drunk, not the one we all enjoy. That was different; he would just sit and drink glass after glass. Whenever we tried to have a conversation, he would just laugh and say we are being melodramatic.

I can never forget what he said once and now it echoes in my mind every single day. I was having an argument with him on his changed behavior and was forcing him to visit a counselor.

He simply replied “Being lost at sea was a comfort!” and walked away.

I called his father immediately and told him how worried we were for him and he agreed to take him to a counselor right after his birthday which was two days from then. Yes! the same fateful day he took his life!

If only, we realized the seriousness of the situation much earlier, if only we could have made him talk, if only he received help.

Instigating major, but necessary, change in our life can be just as painful.

It changes us all for better and worse but we have to realize no matter how bad it may seem, or how alone you may feel, others are always there to help.

 

Did you ask?

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On one of these cool breezy winter morning in northern India, I was working on an office deadline and I was ‘disturbed’ by a phone call from my best friend. I picked up the phone in disgust and blurted “Hey Babe! I am busy, I will call you later”. Hours later after finishing my work, I called her back and asked how she was doing. But she cut short the conversation adding she was getting late for a party. Normally, I would not have thought about it but I remembered her having severe cold allergies which are usual for her in winters. Well, it seemed odd to me that she was going out so late, when normally she avoids getting out after eight in colder months as a precaution. “No, I am not being melodramatic!” But knowing her for all these years, made me think that I might have created a transient barrier in her mind after cutting her short so abruptly that might have resisted her from opening up now.

This led me to a thought that how many time in life do we actually listen to people? How many time are we available to lend our ears? We always hear to respond as we have been taught everything in life has logic, everything is definable.

Is it? Can you define an empty heart? Is it just a mere absence of someone, absence of love, long nested hatred or having lost the strength to love again! Why is it that being so close to people we can never measure the depth of their pain or love? We meet several people each day, our friends, our family, a stranger who just smiled at us and made our day. They all make our world happier but have you ever thought the pretense they might have to project to hide the storms growing inside them? How many times have you actually had a conversation with your loved one, asking them if they are genuinely happy?

“Oh, well who has the time? They will tell us themselves if they want to.”  But maybe you could have made a difference by ‘asking’. May be you could have stopped a ‘lonely child’ you saw on road from getting lost, if ‘you did ask’, may be you could have prevented a ‘beautiful women’, who was secretly longing to hear that ‘she is beautiful’ from getting into depression if ‘you did ask’, May be you could you have saved a ‘life’ if you picked up an unknown call and ‘did ask’, May be you could have saved a ‘failing marriage’ if you ‘did ask’. May be you could have comforted a ‘dying a soul’, if ‘you did ask.’

Giving someone a reassurance that, “it won’t always feel this bad, somehow it does change, it does get better”, does make things better! Lend your heart to those around you, those who need but won’t tell, you might not do it right, you might not know how but you will surely make a difference.

Your healing word can bring back life to someone, and you never know, you might be the person getting healed!